An onstage wardrobe malfunction for Britney Spears, a gaggle of teen girls thrown out of high-school for wearing leggings with no skirts, and the ubiquitous Instagram shot of whatever reality star wishes to show enough skin to spark a mention across cyber space; one wonders really, what is it we are on about with what we are seeing.

Yes, all the butt flesh a Miley Cyrus shows in concert, or the almost daily pics of female celeb ‘side boob’ do raise eyebrows, still at this stage of our evolution we don’t seem to worry all that much over bared skin. But left to consider the shapely legs and clearly defined buttocks of teenage girls, or a seemingly accidental Janet Jackson “nip slip” the country comes unglued.

Why?

It all comes down to function.

When we spy nipple (or an areola), or even the wholly clothed yet clearly defined split of an ass, our mind might spin to considering-and God forbid by all we hold holy!-the function of the nipple, the ass crack’s anus. We simply cannot abide thinking about, even in passing, the functions of our bodies…albeit functions we all perform, and in the case of defecation, a function we all need to perform to live. Consider the life-giving ‘function’ of a nipple giving milk, or the life-creating sperm that might issue forth from a man’s penis (not to mention his need to expel urine), but reveal an erect cock beyond the realm of porn and creeks do rise and locust swarm!

Give us as much bared cheek as you like, wan breast flesh ever a’jiggling, legs bared eve, but do not define an ass in any way (or hint at it’s crack) and do not reveal even the slightest color change that might reveal an areola or the world will be doomed.